Crying silently I am

As I remember you once again

Wish you were here to see what I see

But this cup again, I’ll drink to thee…

These were words that I penned on the back of a bulletin during a church service a few weeks ago.

Tears rolled down my face, as I let my mind dwell on what could have been.

If things wouldn’t have happened like they did, I could still go home to the family I’ve always known. If things would have gone better, perhaps my relationship with my sister wouldn’t be so strained. If things had turned out differently, I would still be able to buy a Mother’s Day card every year. If God would have intervened, I would have a contact in my cell phone labeled “mom”.

If things had happened differently…

… But they didn’t.

Five years ago today – my mom died of cancer - and the plan that I had always imagined for my life died along with her.

When I was a young girl, I would always dream about the day that I would walk down the aisle and marry the man of my dreams. My mom would always look me directly in the eye and say “I will be at your wedding – no matter who you decide to marry. You can count on me to be there.” So when God decided that it was her time to leave the earth on November 7, 2006 – I was sixteen years old… and nowhere close to marriage. In my book, it was too soon. Didn’t God know that she had promised to be at my wedding?

My worst fear, ever since childhood was that I would die… or that someone I loved would die. I used to sit in my mother’s arms and cry because that crippling fear would seep into every crevice of my heart. I had no idea how to deal with it.

I was raised in the church. I was raised believing that “Christ is all I need”. I was raised as a Christian and therefore, I was told that I didn’t have to be held captive by fear.

But I couldn’t escape. No matter how hard I tried.

And believe me… I tried.

I would have done just about anything to be free from it. I tried prayer, quoting scripture, memorizing passages, posting verses in my room, talking about it to others, reading books on overcoming fear, etc. You name it… I probably tried it.

The only thing that seemed to work was the presence of my mom. When I was a freshman in high school my fear became so crippling that she would physically come upstairs every night – sit on the edge of my bed and pray with me until I was calm. I was so embarrassed and ashamed that I still “needed” my mom at that age, but something about her prayers and presence calmed me.

Then the word cancer was spoken… and the life that I had always known slowly began to crumble.

The picture I had of my future began to shift as I realized that my mom wouldn’t be a part of it. My life had been the typical “perfect” American pseudo-Christian life up to that point. But then, I started to realize that death wasn’t just reserved for bad-guys in movies.

God knew that fear was my greatest struggle. He also knew that my mom was my greatest source of comfort. Why then, would he ever allow something as disastrous as her death to happen to me? This was the question that seemed to eat away at my mind day and night – especially in the dark months after my mom’s death.

However…after a short time, it was as if Jesus himself spoke into my heart:

“Do you not see that I am the source of your comfort? Your mom was the vessel that I used on all those dark nights when you felt so lost. The comfort that she brought to your heart was me working through her.”

God was the one who had brought that incredible peace to my soul… not my mom. For the first time in my life I realized that peace was not tied to a person or a circumstance. Christ was the source… and no one could ever take Him away from me.

What freedom this truth brought to my soul!

Once upon a time, I never thought I could live without my mom. And definitely not live a life of victory. I wouldn’t have either… aside from Christ. But what’s incredible is that God isn’t only the source of peace, but also the source of joy!

So even though this day, November 7^th is always challenging for me, it’s a day where I can look back in amazement at the incredible things that God has done through some extremely hard circumstances. Do I still miss her? Of course. Do I still wish I could call her when things are hard here at school? Yes. But the good news is that there is One who loves me even more than she ever did. He not only gives me strength to get through every day… but get through with joy – living victoriously in His promises.

Dear sister… He can move mightily in your life too if you choose to let Him. This is the greatest treasure that I have found: With Christ, in your darkest valleys you will find springs of joy.

~Emily Zerger - Evans Dorm Chaplain